I thought I had forgotten how loneliness felt like. I have always been alone, and this was something I had resigned myself to. It was not until you arrived that evening and sat in front of me, and you smiled, that I was reminded of the void I had carefully ignored for so long.
In an instant, I knew what our life could have been. You were the person I had always dreamed of, the one I would always wait for. Even before them, the ones who came after you. I can never explain it, but you had always been perfect to me, from the first time I saw you brooding in class a lifetime ago, to that moment you passed through the glass doors of that fast food years later.
This would have played differently had I just asked a few years earlier, then that night would not have been the first time we would have met in more than 8 years. In this imaginary alternate reality, this would be us, meeting again like we often would. It would not be awkward because we would have spent almost every day with each other. You would smile, and I would smile, and we would talk about our day like old lovers often do, and I would have that look – that sheer joy of being the happiest guy in the whole world just because you were with me.
I don’t know what to tell you anymore. I don’t even know what to tell myself. There has to be a point where I have to stop feeling like this, because I can’t be right. It can’t be right. You belong to someone else, and who am I to impose? Who am I? I am just some random guy from your past.
I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since you came back into my life. I lie awake at night half-dreaming, half-wishing you were beside me. I want to tell you how beautiful the stars are tonight. How, maybe, in some other life, in some other plane of existence, we would be together, and our other selves would be looking up at the same sky at that very moment. Happy. Content.
I have so many songs I want to share with you, because I want you to know who I am, how my heart beats, how my mind works. I want to show you desperately that I am the guy you should have fallen in love with, but I know I am vying for a heart that has room for no other.
And so, I console myself with sad songs. Cute pictures of puppies. Stories of dead people. Flights of fancy. I pretend that I’m okay, that we’re okay, but the world still feels dead. That I have been living a lie all along, that I need someone like you to share this life with me, because in that brief moment our skin were mere inches apart, I’ve never felt more alive.
Maybe this is my problem. I don’t know. All I have on my side are these confusing deluge of words and emotions, breaking down the barrier of my resolve day by day. If I could cry an ocean of "I’m so sorry", I would. I am so sorry because you don’t need this drama in your life. I am so sorry because I can’t control my emotions when I think about you. I am so sorry.
I don’t know what this all means, why on that night when I felt so bad about losing to a video game I felt compelled to ask you that question. I am trying to find sense in this chaos, and it is so difficult. It doesn’t seem fair when I have liked you from afar for so long, and fate has always dangled the things I couldn’t have in front of my face, but it has just never given me a break.
I want us to be friends, even just only as friends, because God knows there’re very few other people I would want to keep in my life, but I don’t know how in my current state. Every sound from my mouth is a hidden question of what could have been, every word from my fingers turn into a plea for a little more time with you.
I have always been second to everyone. I am so tired of being nice, of always putting others’ feelings before me, but I don’t know any other way. In a few days, a few weeks, a few months, these feelings will eventually pass, not because I want to, but because I have no choice. I need to survive without breaking down to every fucking sad song I hear. I need to not drift off in the middle of meetings because I remember your voice. I need to learn to wrap myself again in the illusion of happiness, of normalcy, despite that gnawing regret knowing my life would have been so much more vibrant if I woke each day with my head on your chest.
But allow me this moment of grief… of holding on, before letting go. This moment to write it all down, not for the sake of remembering how I feel about you, but at as a reminder that despite whatever bullshit I would later on let myself believe, I am still human, and I can still feel so strongly, so deeply, so profoundly for someone else. For you.
I did not expect to fall this hard. My deepest, sincerest, apologies. Moushiwake gozaimasen, sensei.